THE SMUT TALK
by FailingDemi
Summary: Wait..what am I supposed to do? Explain to this little girl about...what? Renge, are you trying to taint this five year old's mind? Ehehe, hi...what's you're question now, little kid? “Niisan, how are babies made?” WHAT! [Interview: Host Club]


A/N: ...Sorry, I just got this idea straight out of the blues. xD I have like...three stories on writer's block right now. And all I'm producing are oneshots. ;-; Anyways, this is a what if story. But no...they don't really have any kids.

Inspired...when I was discussing stuff about one of my sequels to something. And this wonderful idea popped up:O

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran Highschool Host Club.

* * *

What if each host was married? What if each host had a kid? What if they had to explain to their children 'THE TALK'? Well, they ain't married, and they ain't have a kid. BUT here's the million dollar question: "Niisan, how are babies made?" (Interview: Host Club)

* * *

**-TAMAKI-**

"Uhm, Renge-kun, you're asking me…to **what**?" a blonde asked, staring down at the Host Club manager. His blue eyes traveled to the little girl who was standing next to her staring up at the second year. He was thoroughly confused. Why was a small five year old there? Why was Renge requesting that he have THE TALK with the small girl?

"Tamaki," she said seriously. "You are to answer this girl's question and explain it to the best of your ability."

Tamaki sweat dropped, as he combed his hand through his mass of blonde hair. "But…why _now_?"

"Don't worry, I got from Kyouya the permission to do this, each Host will have to answer the question," she said, an evil glint in her brown eyes. The president couldn't help but gulp, as he nervously looked down at the girl.

"What question is it?" he asked the girl, while keeping his smile up.

"Where do babies come from?" she asked innocently, while tilting her head to the side. His eyes widened, and he was left gawking at the little girl. He shot a desperate look at Renge.

"Renge-kun, how do I explain that?!" he whined, distress clear in his voice. Renge only shrugged as she plopped on one of the couches, and she took out a notebook and pen.

"This is just a test on how each host explains it to little kiddies. Pretend that this girl is your daughter," she replied with a fan girlish smile. She waved them over to sit on the couches, Tamaki on one, the little girl on the other. "Please begin."

There was silence, exclude the ticking of the clock inside one of the Host Club's room. The blonde was staring intently at the little girl who only returned the stare. Nothing was happening, how boring. How really boring. But anyways, Tamaki felt…uncomfortable with Renge there.

"Er…Renge-kun, can you please leave?" he asked awkwardly. She blinked but didn't ask. Renge only frowned slightly, snapped shut her notebook, and walked outside. Why? Because there were cameras set inside. Bwehehehehe…

SLAM

"Tamaki-niisan," the little girl began, sitting back on the velvet couches. She stared at him. "Renge-neechan said you knew where babies came from."

Gulp.

Damn that manager.

"W-Well, little girl…" he began, as he looked up at the ceiling. How does he explain THAT to a little girl? He started very slowly. "Let's use your mother and father for example…"

"You're gonna use Mommy and Daddy?"

"No, no, no, like…uh…for an **example**," Tamaki said, stressing on the last word. She blinked. "Okay…when a Mommy and a Daddy loves each other VERY, VERY much…"

"Yeah, yeah?"

Tamaki gulped and then looked up towards the heavens…praying. 'Oh kami, please help me.'

"What happens next?"

"Er…they love each other SO much that they…uh…do IT."

"It? What is that?"

Tamaki turned agonized, and his eyes turned into swirlies. "You know, IT. _**IT**_!" He started to flail his arms around like a mad man. Tamaki covered his reddened face with his hands and ran outside of the room while crying, "OH GOD, DON'T ASK ME WHAT IT IS!!"

"Eh?"

**-KYOUYA-**

"You understand?" Renge questioned after Tamaki's failed attempt. The raven-haired boy in front of her crossed his arms nonchalantly and sat back against the couch. The same girl, whose name was Mikoko, only stared at him. "Pretend that this girl's your daughter."

Kyouya blinked at the girl. "I think I can go with that scenario." He closed his eyes. "I'll try my best to be of the fatherly figure. Now what am I supposed to explain to her?"

"Kyouya-niisan," Mikoko started, this got his attention. "Tamaki-niisan didn't tell me how babies are made.'

The calculative teen only stared at Mikoko with a blank face on. One would have to guess what he was thinking inside. And finally…His grayish eyes swept over to Renge in a scolding manner.

His eyebrows arched at her and he said calmly, "Renge...am I supposed to scar this little girl's mind with this topic?"

She shrugged, before flipping to a new page in the notebook. "Do whatever you want. Tamaki couldn't tell Mikoko how…you know what is accomplished through."

Of course Tamaki can't explain something like that, Kyouya reasoned. This was a touchy subject. And why was he supposed to answer her question anyways? But he decided to get this thing over with. The raven-head's eyes returned to Mikoko. "I will make it as concise and simple for you to understand, is that fine?"

A nod.

"This is all about science and the reproductive organs of the human body," Kyouya said simply, before taking out a book from a nearby bookcase. He handed it to the girl who received it with a confused stare. "Turn to page 53 if you want to further expand your understanding about this topic."

Kyouya stood up nonchalantly, picking up his book bag, he walked towards the door. "Now I must excuse myself. I have things to take care."

SLAM

"Renge-neechan…"

"Huh?"

"What does Kyouya-niichan mean?"

"I dunno."

**-MORI-**

"Do you understand?"

"Aa."

"Kyouya…er…couldn't make any sense about the 'reproductive' process," Renge said in a low whisper. The tall senior only stared at her. Ah. So that's what he's supposed to do. Explain that to…the little girl sitting in front of him. "This is your daughter."

"I have a daughter…?"

"Pretend."

"Hm."

"Explain to her, THE TALK."

"The talk?" Mori asked, arching an eyebrow. Renge nodded furiously. "To this little girl…?"

"Yes, yes, now begin."

Mori's black eyes wandered over to Mikoko, who was sitting innocently with her hands intertwined together. "Babies…are made…" He said slowly and carefully so that she would catch his words. "When…the sperm meets the egg."

"What's a sperm?" she asked.

"Hey- Mori-sempai?!" Renge cried as he immediately stood up from the couch. He stomped out of the room quickly, leaving Renge alone in the room with the girl. Now the brunette turned to the teenager and repeated her question.

"What's a sperm?"

"Eh…"

**-HONEY-**

"Would you want some cake, Miko-chan?" Honey asked with a chirp. She nodded energetically, and he dished out a piece of vanilla cake. "This type is the very best in France!"

"YUM!!" Mikoko exclaimed, after taking a bite. Renge sat in the sidelines watching the two converse like toddlers. "Hani-niichan, this is good!"

"Yes! Yes, it is!" he exclaimed, eating it with the small forks. "Miko-chan! Do you want some tea? I heard that it's good with cake!"

"Really?!"

"Yeah!"

"Honey-sempai…" Renge started, her eyebrows were twitching. The small blonde's attention turned to the first-year. His eyebrows were arched. "Please…answer Mikoko's question."

"You have a question, Miko-chan?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. The girl nodded, and licked her lips free of cream.

"Where do babies come from?"

"Oh, I KNOW!" Honey's smile broadened as he dug his fork into the cake. "They come from their mommies!!"

"I GET IT!"

Renge slapped her face with her hand. How typical of him.

**-HARUHI-**

"Renge-kun…this is really a weird scenario," a brunette started, a sweat drop on her head. "Having to explain the process to a girl…don't you think of her innocent mind for once?"

"Haruhi-kun, Mikoko was the one who asked me in the first place!" she protested, clenching her fists against her lap. The girl next to her nodded slightly at the natural rookie. Haruhi sighed, as she scratched the back of her head.

'This will be so troublesome…'

"Mikoko…babies come from their mothers and fathers through the process called…intercourse," Haruhi said, trying to pick out the most complex words. If the little girl's mind is scarred…then…what the hell would happen?

She blinked. "Intercourse?"

"That is what the process of getting pregnant is," Haruhi grimly explained, clearly feeling that the topic was…so…awkward. Especially if there's a Renge sitting there listening. "And then, if the sperm meets with one of the eggs, than that begins the whole process of getting pregnant. But not all intercourses can result to pregnancy."

Haruhi held up a finger, and tapped her chin with it. "It's also called Making Love. Babies are formed in their mother's stomach until after nine or so months when it is due."

"Do you get it?"

"…What?"

Haruhi held in a sigh of relief. The little girl didn't understand!! Like most of the hosts, Haruhi quickly escaped from the room before any questions were bombarded at her. And now…

SLAM

"What the hell's up with Renge-kun? She's just a five-year old," Haruhi snorted before running away.

**-TWINS-**

"You want us to-"

"-explain to this-"

"-little girl about-"

"Sex?"

Renge nodded. "Everyone else tried, but of course they left her confused."

The two figures gave each other a blank look before staring down at Mikoko. "Everyone tried?" they both asked, arching their eyebrows simultaneously. The small girl only nodded. The twins turned to each other with a blank stare.

"Oh, Hikaru," one started, with a fake troubled face. "How shall we ever explain _that_?"

"Dear, Kaoru, fret not. We know so much about it," Hikaru backfired, smiling evilly. The light-brown headed twins leaned back against the velvet and inhaled and then exhaled. Hikaru began, "Anyways…babies come from-"

"A process called…sex," Kaoru said, while closing his eyes knowingly.

"What is sex, you may ask," Hikaru continued. "In explicit detail, it first starts out with a man and a woman-"

"Or a man and a man."

"That's possible too," Hikaru admitted with a nod of his head. "When a man and a woman, loves each other so very much..."

"They start kissing furiously on the lips until it's all purple and bruised up."

The twins' golden eyes shone evilly.

"And then the man, or what's called the attacker, would then rip off the woman's clothes leaving nothing but her bare virgin skin," they said, grinning when Renge's eyes widened slightly.

"Obviously, the attacker, or man would then start kissing the woman's entire body just to make her moan in content! And then he would nip and leave love bites…all over her body. Resulting in moaning and other stuff…"

"But! That's just called foreplay. There's so many ways of playing with the body before they go onto intercourse."

"Actually, the man would prepare for it, by stretching her out with his fingers…"

"That's weird…why do they need some fingers anyways?" Kaoru asked, arching his eyebrows at Hikaru. The older twin only shrugged.

"Beats me. It must be painful to have fingers up there…"

"Dur, it hurts more with THAT," Kaoru said, a lopsided grin on his face. "Cus' obviously…it's bigger than two or three fingers.'

Hikaru snickered, as he returned back to the topic."And when all that's done…the man is ready to hurt the woman, by fucking her so hard that she cries."

"Cries like…a lot," Kaoru continued. The girl was only blinking, while Renge was shivering in fear. "Not all men are going to go so easy…I heard that people can BLEED when they get fucked."

"Ah yes, of course," Hikaru said mystically, while stroking his chin. "Blood…that's like some kind of lubrication. But then you can get some kind of lubrication to prevent that much pain and stuff…"

"I read somewhere that people do that with their tongue," the other said nonchalantly. "That's kind of disgusting though. Imagine a tongue up someone's ass."

Hikaru cringed, a frown on his face. "Ugggh, that's so disgusting. Like-like…_ewwww_. That dude gotta love his wife so much to do that." He registered it in his brain for a while and flinched. "It gives me the shivers."

"Yes, yes, of course," Kaoru said with a frown. "But does it match the disgust of having a blow job?"

"Yuck. They're both disgusting in my opinion," Hikaru said, his whole attention off the explanation. "Actually, I think a lot of love is needed to do that to each other. They lap each other's juices that come out."

"Revolting."

"Yes, yes. And have you heard that-"

"_Ahem_!"

They paused and turned towards the source of the voice, which seemed to be the little girl. Renge had fallen off the couch and was foaming at her mouth. Mikoko stood up from the couch and grabbed Renge's arm and proceeded to drag her towards the door.

"Hikaru-niisan, Kaoru-niisan, Renge-neechan looks sick, I'm gonna take her to the hospital!" she cried, dragging the fainted manager towards the door. The twins glanced at each other, eyebrows raised. And then-

"Yeah, go do that little girl," Hikaru called out boringly.

Nod, nod.

SLAM.

"Did she understand what we said?" Kaoru asked.

"I dunno. But as long as the Otaku's gone-…"

"Yeah, well…glad we read that stuff?"

"Hahaha…smut sites come in handy sometimes…"

"Ditto."

And they high-fived each other.

* * *

A/N: -cough- I think this sucks...slightly. And plus, I'm underaged to know these stuff. But anyways, I was MADE immune to smut fics. So where I got the inspiration to write the twins' part was from the number of smut fics I read. (Yes, yes, I'm guilty of having a perverted mind.)

Anyhoos. Hope you guys liked that. Ahahaha. xD; Poor Renge though. Read and Review, please!

Btw, with the twins discussing smut, I wonder who is more perverted...Kaoru...or Hikaru? o.O


End file.
